Shitty Facepaint Party
by DaPuddingz
Summary: Gamzee enlists Karkat to do his facepaint for him after breaking his fingers. Things rapidly fly off the handle. Also my first published fanfiction


"Karkat," Gamzee said, peeping over the table to look at me.

"Mm." I tried so hard to ignore him. He'd been off doing his own thing for a few days, and I hadn't seen him around. Which was weird, because the meteor wasn't exactly huge.

"Kaaarkat," Gamzee persisted, poking my arm. "Karkat, hey,"

I continued to read some random book I'd found lying around the place. I didn't want to acknowledge his existence by looking at him.

"Hey best friend," he continued, giving me a good twenty pokes on the arm. His thin little fingers kind of hurt after the tenth time of being jabbed in the same spot. "Hey. Karkat."

"Gamzee holy shit, what do you want?" I asked, slamming the book down and staring at him. I blinked for a moment, thrown off. He wasn't wearing any of his weird facepaint.

"I need your motherfuckin' help, bro," he said with a dopey grin.

"Why aren't you wearing your dumb clown shit?" I asked. Oh god he looked weird without it on. I'd never seen him without that ugly stuff on his face before. It was... weird. Very weird.

"That's the problem, motherfucker," he said, throwing his arms across the table. He was tall enough that he could sit on his knees and still reach halfways across with his arms. It was unnerving. My feet just touched the floor from my chair. Gamzee continued, "I went and fucked up my hand-" he held it up to show me that two of his fingers were wrapped together- "and I need somebody to do it for me."

"No,"

"Karkaat," he whined, moving his head closer to me and almost stabbing my eye with his huge-ass horns, "why motherfuckin' not?"

"Because I'm not doing it."

"Kaaarkaaat," he said, getting incomfortably close to me.

"No, dude, fuck off."

"Please?"

"I'm not doing your shitty clown makeup for you, dude!"

"Aww come on, bro, just real motherfuckin' quick?"

"Gamzee-"

"Karkat I'mma motherfuckin' cry,"

"No you are not. It's just some shitty facepaint, I don't even know why you wear it in the first place. Probably something to do with your weird clown worshipping. Should've thought of that before you fucked up your fingers. Probably fondling your horns a bit too hard."

"Haha, yeah motherfucker," Gamzee said, retreating a bit as he broke through my defenses. "That shits a motherfuckin' miracle."

"You disgust me. Have I ever told you that?"

"Only every time we talk, bro," he said with that high-as-hell grin on his face.

I sighed. "You aren't going to leave me alone until I do your shitty makeup, are you?"

"Nope."

"Fine, whatever, but this is fucking ridiculous. Just... ugh. How the hell did you manage to break your fingers?" I asked. To my knowledge, it wasn't possible to actually break your hand with too much horn-fondling.

"Motherfuckin' sweet, bro! Hold up real quick, I'll be right back. You better not move." Gamzee got to his feet and poked me one last time. "Don't motherfuckin' leave."

"Yeah, whatever," I said, watching him hurry off to who knows where. Then I remembered his negligence to answer my question. "Hey wait, asshole, how'd you break your fingers?"

"I fell down some motherfuckin' stairs!" He shouted back, already gone.

I groaned and leaned back in my chair. Sure, the book was really boring, but that didn't mean I wanted to do Gamzee's shitty facepaint for him. He looked fine without the stuff.

"Hold still you sack of shit, I can't do it if you squirm around like a fucking grub the whole time," I said.

"Shit fucking' tickles, bro," Gamzee said. He was sitting on his knees in front of me, trying to act all thankful, but he kept moving around when I went to put the white part on.

"I don't care, just fucking hold still. You do this yourself presumably every fucking day, how the hell does it tickle?"

"Hells if I know," he said. I sighed and went to put the white stuff on, and once more he fucked it up by giggling a little and moving away.

"God fucking damnit Gamzee! Do you want me to do your stupid makeup or what?!"

"Yes, motherfuckin' yes, give me a fuckin' second to composure myself."

"That not how you use that word, dumbass," I grumbled, crossing my arms.

"Okay okay, I'm fuckin' ready now."

"Are ya sure? You said that the last five times, too."

"Bro, I'm fuckin' ready for this motherfuckin' shit," he reassured me.

"I swear to fucking jegus, if you start squirming again I'm going to break one of your horns and shove it up your ass." I took the brush one more time and hovered it over his face. He closed his eyes.

I grabbed a handful of hair on the back of his head. "Now stay still, you fucking idiot."

"Okay, okay, let's bitch-fuckin' do this."

I dabbed the stuff on his face and he started squirming. I tightened my grip on his mop of hair and held him still. He started giggling like a little fuckin' pansy, but I did not relent my hold. If we didn't get this done I was going to be here for hours doing Gamzee's stupid clown makeup. I did notice that his hair was actually softer than I'd expected. Which was odd. I'd expected his personal hygiene to be... lacking.

I ignored this thought and pressed on with my painting. Of course, I was no good at this kind of thing, and I got it all over the place. Including in his hair, by some measure of artistic travesty.

"Oh fuck, dude, I'm horrible at this. Why didn't you ask Terezi or Kanaya or something?"

"I be wanting my best motherfuckin' friend to do it, yo," he said, still wiggling around.

"I hate you so much," I said, still fidgeting around with his stupid makeup brush thing. "Shit, I think I got it in your eye. Hold up, don't fucking open it."

"Okay," he said, grinning.

I tried wiping the stray smudge off of his eyelid, but to no avail.

"Shit dude, what the fuck is this stuff? I can't get it off."

"A fuckin' miracle, bro. Shit be stayin' on there forever."

"No seriously. How do you get this shit off?"

"Uhhh I usually just lick that shit, or with my finger or something."

"Ugh." I licked my finger and eventually got it off. "There. That's the white shit. And then there's like gray on your eyes and mouth or something."

"That be it, motherfucker," he said. He was always so damn happy, carefree... it was annoyingly confusing.

"Okay fine. But don't blame me when it fucking sucks bulges, dude."

"No motherfuckin' worries, bro,"

The home stretch was in view. Sure, it was even harder to keep the purple-blooded fucksack under control as I did his eyes and mouth, but the reward of being alone when it was over was too tantalizingly _there_ and _present_ for me to do much other than curse about it.

And just like magic, he started hardcore fucking around just as I was finishing his right eye. I shouted, got the gray shit where it wasn't supposed to be, and Gamzee started laughing.

"That's it. I'm done you fucking piece of shit. There's some fucking gray over by your cheek, but what the fuck ever."

"Thanks motherfucker!" He said, and before I could run he gave me a hug. "This shit be so fuckin' tight. Lets do it again tomorrow."

"I am not doing that. Could you please get the fuck off of me?"

"Haha, sure bro." He released me from his juggalo grasp, and seemed to get distracted by something in the distance. "Hey Tavros!" He said.

"You've gotta be kidding me," I turned and saw the kid rolling into the room on his four wheeled device.

"Hi Gamzee! Hi Karkat!" He said. "What are you doing?"

"Nothing-"

"This motherfuckin' motherfucker be doin' my facepaint," Gamzee said before I could silence him. "It's a fuckin' miracle."

"Uh, wow, really?" Tavros asked, wheeling himself into the room in front of us. "I didn't think you did that kind of thing, usually, I mean."

"Ew god, we fucking don't." I stuck out my tongue.

"I broke my motherfuckin' fingers!" Gamzee held up his two broken appendages as though it was a story worth sharing.

But Tavros was one of those 'nice' people, and to him it was, somehow, an interesting event.

"Wow, how'd you do that?" He grabbed Gamzee's hand and inspected his fingers.

"He fell down a flight of stairs like the bulge-sniffer he is," I said.

"Haha, word."

"Oh, that's too bad," Tavros brushed a piece of his weird mohawk out of his face. "so you couldn't do your own, and Karkat did it?"

"Yeah motherfucker," Gamzee said, still smiling. "Hey, you know motherfuckin' what? Karkat should do your face, too!"

"No, fuck you, I'm not-"

"Karkat if I could get you to be doin' this all my motherfuckin' dreams would come true. You always be motherfuckin' leadin' us n' shit, take a fuckin' load off and lighten the fuck up, bro," Gamzee said, giving me the most stoner-y puppy dog eyes I'd ever seen.

"Yeah, Karkat!" Tavros said. For some reason the little shit sounded excited about this, too. "Uh, it'll be fun!"

"Motherfuckin' yes, dude!" Gamzee and Tavros high-fived, which required a bit of stooping on the former's part.

"No, I'm not doing anymore face shit."

Gamzee stared at me, trying his best to keep those poppy dog eyes, but eventually they just melted into a shit-eating grin. He jumped me, grabbing me around the chest and tackling me to the floor.

"Hey best friend," he said.

"Gamzee get the fuck off of me!" I shouted, trying to push him away.

"Make a miracle, motherfucker!" He took my punches without even flinching.

"No! Fuck you, and fuck your miracles, I'm not doing anymore makeup!"

"Karkaaaat!" Tavros whined from above us. I ignored him and tussled with Gam on the ground, but he was one passive clown. He just laughed and we rolled around for a while, me trying to inflict as much pain as possible, and him just having the time of his fucking life.

"I'll kill you, you fat fuck!" I rammed my head into his stomach. He 'oofed' but then laughed at me and my stubby little horns.

"You're one funny motherfucker, KK," he said, rolling me over so he was on top.

"This isn't a joke, get the fuck off of me!"

"Yeah, go Gamzee!" Tavros cheered.

"Haha, woah Karkat, somebody's got your arms," he held up one of my arms and proceeded to gently pap me in the face with it.

For the next few minutes, we wrestled on the ground in a rather uncomfortable way. Gamzee was much larger than I was and had a clear advantage, but he wasn't fighting for real. He was just being a fucking idiot. Eventually I started running out of breath. I hit him a few more times, but he just rolled me onto his chest and held me there for a while as I struggled.

"Gamzee let me the fuck down!" I shouted, kicking his knees.

"No way lil bro."

"Don't call me little!" I kicked him harder, but he honestly didn't seem to care. "Gamzee I'm fucking serious, this isn't funny!"

"I'm having motherfuckin' fun, dude," he said.

"Uh, I am too!" Tavros added.

"Well isn't that just fucking peachy?" I growled, still trying to escape Gam's iron grip. "I'll give you one fucking guess as to who isn't having fun right now!"

"Ohh, last I saw motherfuckin' Ampora, he looked like he be havin' no fun at all. Looked a bit sad."

"You know, Gamzee, I really underestimated just how much I FUCKING HATE YOU." I rammed my head back on his chest, and once more the struggle began.

"Bro,"

"Don't talk to me,"

"Bro."

"How about shut your fucking mouth, Gamzee."

"Bro, just have some motherfuckin' fun for once. I be gettin' these vibes that you're all dedicated to this leader shit, but motherfuckin' chillax for a while, brother," Gamzee said.

"Yeah, Karkat, you're always so worked up about something!"

Gamzee let go of me, and I sat up. I wiped the dirt from my face, which I'd acquired via a five minute scuffle on the floor with an insane clown, and sighed.

"Fine. Whatever. I'm obviously not gonna win this, so come on, let's fucking paint everybody's face like a shitty clown."

"Yeah!" Tavros said, and reached down to help me up. Getting helped up by a cripple. That fucking made sense. Whatever, I took his hand and stood up, dusting myself off.

"This is gonna be motherfuckin' great, bros."

Ten minutes later, I was putting the finishing touches on Tavros's facepaint. As per his request, I'd done some lame winged pupa and an extremely shitty tinkerbull.

"Hey Gamzee, where did you get all this Faygo from?" Tavros asked when I was done. They'd been chatting up a fucking storm the entire time, and had succeeded in dragging me into the conversation.

"A motherfuckers gotta be prepared for some dire fuckin' circumstances, yo."

"Are you trying to tell us that you take this much Faygo with you everywhere you go?" I asked. "Who the fuck even needs this much soda?"

"What did I motherfuckin' say, done prepare for the worst, yo."

"Gamzee there is literally enough soda here for like five fucking people to share over the span of three years. How much of this shit do you drink in a day?"

"Faygo is a miracle, bro. It's all I motherfuckin' drink."

"That's, uh... a lot," Tavros said.

"I'm not even gonna ask about the slime you eat, dude," I said, idly coloring one of my fingers white.

"Haha, honk,"

I finished my beautiful finger art and then wiped it off. "Hey Tavros, I've been meaning to ask about your legs."

"Uh, my legs?" He looked confused. "What about em?"

"Yeah, how come you never asked Equius to make you some robolegs or some shit like that? I mean he's a fuckin' creepy dude, but he knows his shit. He made Aradia an entire fucking body."

"Oh, um, I don't really know," he said, putting a hand to his chin. "I guess I just never thought about it before."

"Are you speaking of me?" I jumped almost entirely out of my seat as the horse-guy spoke up behind us. He looked like he'd just got done doing something involving robots, and had a towel over his shoulder.

"Holy fuck dude, where did you come from?"

"I was on my way to locate Nepeta when I heard mention of my name," he said, then he saw Tavros's face and he stopped talking. "What exactly is going on here?"

"Fuckin' facepaint party, yo," Gamzee said, leaning back in his chair. The room we sat in was large and mostly empty, and his loud voice carried pretty well. In fact, it almost echoed. No wonder horse-cock had heard us.

"It was to my understanding that only those of your particular... eh, religion, wore such things," he said.

"Well look motherfuckin' here, the story be that I broke my motherfuckin' fingers-" again, he held up his hand for confirmation of this- "and KK was a motherfuckin' pal about doin' that shit for me. And now it's a party."

"It's not a party," I said.

"It's a party," Tavros reassured.

"It appears to be a gathering of fun," Equius remarked rather disdainfully.

"It's not a fucking party!"

"Hey CT, why don't you motherfuckin' stay and be part of the motherfuckin' miracles at work here, bro?"

"Gamzee-" I was cut off with a kick of my chair.

"I am not inclined to take part in this frivolity, highblood. I was just looking for Leijon," Equius looked at both Gamzee's and Tavro's faces. "That, and it appears Vantas has done a sub-par job of your facial paint."

"I'll show you a sub-par job you piece of shit," I said, glaring at him.

"Yo motherfucker, you be just like Karkat, always too uptight. Come on, bro, Nepie'll come around sooner or later, chill for a motherfuckin' second."

Tavros looked over at me and mouthed, "Neppie?" I just shook my head.

"Is that an order, highblood?" Equius asked. I groaned to myself, not this weird shit again. Why did the most technologically handy member of the team also have to be into orders and fucking horses?

"Uh, sure motherfucker," Gamzee said. It was a rare occurrence, seeing him look even slightly uncomfortable.

"It did not sound much like an order."

"Alright bro, then, I uh, I fuckin' be ordering you to stay here and get your fuckin' face painted. As your, uh, superior, I fucking command it."

Equius cracked a creepy smile, showing off his missing teeth. "Good, very good. Alright, I will remain for this 'party' of yours, highblood."

"I am not painting his face," I said, holding up my hands.

"Give it here, then!" Tavros said, reaching forward and snatching the brush out of my hands. He wheeled over to Equius.

"I did not agree to have this substance applied to my face by such a low caste-"

"Motherfucker, I be orderin' you to have a fun time when Tav here paints yo motherfuckin' face," Gamzeee said, grinning.

Equius quieted, and Tavros went to work.

"You better not sweat it off," he mumbled.

"Equius!" I turned around and saw Nepeta run through the opposite side of the room by which Zahhak had entered. "There you are..." She stopped and looked at us. "Uh... what're you guys doing?"

"Facepaint party!" Tavros said, leaning back in his four wheeled device. "Wanna join?"

"That sounds purrfect!" She said. She pulled up a chair beside me. "How'd you convince grumpy pants to get his face painted?" She asked, giving Equius a sly wink.

"I fuckin' commanded him, girl bro," Gamzee said. "Motherfuckin' loves that shit."

"I remained per the highbloods request," Equius said, but Tavros shooshed him and went back to his face. He was much better than I was at the whole drawing thing, and appeared to be drawing a hoofbeast on Equius's forehead.

"Great, this is perfect," I said with a groan.

"Karkat, stop being such a whinypuss," Nepeta said, smacking my arm. "You have to do me next, Tavros!" She was way too happy about this.

"Karkat can do you, he did Gamzee's," the brown-blood said, seemingly engulfed in his work.

"Purrfect!" She said again, apparently rejoicing in her ability to use cat puns. "But why'd he do yours, Gamzee? Don't you usually do yours yourself? Come to think of it, why are we having a facepaint party?"

"Gamzee fell down some stairs like the fuckface he is, broke two of his fingers, and then I did his shitty makeup for him," I explained.

"And mine, too!" Tavros added. "And now I'm doing Equius's."

Nepeta smiled. "Great! Then Karkat can do mine!"

I groaned. I did not sign up for this.

"There," I said, putting the brush down. Nepeta now had two little cat head on her cheeks, and whiskers. They were shitty, but I really didn't care. Tavros had done a musclebeast on Equius which was quite a bit better. Everybody was chatting, even the blueblooded creep seemed to be having a ball.

"Nepeta, I quite like your whiskers," Equius said.

"I like your muscly horse guy!" Nepeta smacked me on the arm one more time. "Thanks Karcat!"

"Yeah whatever," I said, scowling.

"This is bitchfuckin' beautiful, dudes," Gamzee said, leaning back in his chair. "We should do this every fuckin' day, motherfuckers."

"No, absolutely not," I said.

"You're such a buzz-kill," Tavros said.

"Whothe talking thmack on Vanthus?" I groaned as Sollux entered the room, followed by Aradia. "I want in."

"Shut the fuck up," I said, pinching the bridge of my noise.

"Hey Sol!" Nepeta said. "Come to join the facepaint party?"

"Fathepaint?"

"Oh here we fucking go again."

I was stuck doing Sollux's facepaint, who seemed very keen on it once he learned of my hatred for it, and Nepeta did Aradiabots. I was very tempted to draw something obscene on him, but I was afraid Nepeta would hurt me if I did that. So I just gave him some stuff like Gamzee's.

"Wow, this thucks preeetty hard, dude," Sollux said, looking at himself in the mirror Gamzee had brought with him. "I'm thurprithed thomebody can thuck thith bad, acthually."

"I'm gonna punch you and your stupid fucking lisp into next week, you piece of shit."

"Wow, making fun of the vocally impaired? Thtooping pretty low there, aren't we?"

"Sollux, Karkat, shut up and look at my beautiful artwork!" Nepeta said. She'd drawn something all the way down Aradia's robo-arm, around her neck, and on her forehead. It was much more impressive than any of us had done.

"Nepeta sits, pleased that she is the best at everything," she said, crossing her legs.

"Oh pleathe, I could top that anyday."

"Nepeta laughs at the challenge made by her duel-visioned friend."

"You're tho on, thithter."

Two more footsteps came our way. "I heard there was a party going on. Why was I not invited?" Terezi asked, accompanied by Kanaya.

"Look, more motherfuckers!" Gamzee said. He was having the time of his life.

"It's a facepainting party, because Gamzee broke his fingers and Karkat did his makeup for him!" Nepeta explained.

"How adorable," Terezi said with a shit-eating grin, 'looking' right at me.

"Shut the fuck up," I said.

"I did not realize our group was capable of having a civilized party," Kanaya commented. "If this is indeed a party at all."

"Of course it is," I said, stealing Nepeta's brush from her. It was time to fucking roll with it. "Can't you see we're having so much fun here? Terezi, get your ass over here, I'm gonna paint your fucking hair so hard."

"Haha, yeah motherfucker, this be the most beautiful fuckin' miracle I ever did see!"

"Sollux, you were talking shit, you do Kanaya. Let's get this fucking show on the road," I got up and grabbed Terezi, swinging her into a seat and setting to work on the facepaint. "I'm gonna give you the best-smelling fucking hearts and shit you've ever smelled."

"Did they drug you?" She asked.

"Nope, I'm high on fucking life, dude, let's get this shit on the road. Oh hey, look, it's Vriska! Get your fucking ass in here, we're having a party! Somebody do Vriska!"

"Mm, these hearts are indeed tasty," Terezi said.

"Don't fucking lick my hard work off, asshole," I said.

"Hey Karkat, what should I do for Feferi?" Tavros asked.

"What the fuck do you mean, you have to do fucking fish. What kind of question is that?"

"Haha, okay."

"I don't rightly see the point in all this-"

"Hey, Ampora, shut the fuck up and let Kanaya draw on your fucking face. This is a party, now quit killing it, fuckass," I said, redoing the small portion that Terezi had licked off of her face.

"Equius, you been workin' on anymore motherfuckin' raps lately?" Gamzee asked.

"Neigh, I am afraid they are very personal," Equius said while he worked on Vriska's face.

"Oh my god, you did not jutht uthe a horthe pun. That'th the betht."

"I thought it was pretty good!" Tavros said.

"Eridan, sit still and let Kanaya do your face!" Feferi exclaimed from somewhere in the gathering.

"That better be a spider on my face, ponyboy," Vriska said.

"I can assure you that it is indeed an arachnid,"

I finished up on Terezi's face and looked around. Everybody else was done as well. All twelve of us now had gray shit, white shit, or both shits on our faces. And for once, everybody seemed to be getting along.

I sighed and leaned back in my chair. I guess this party wasn't so bad after all. I closed my eyes and relaxed for a moment, until everything got really quiet and somebody poked my face.

I opened my eyes and saw everybody looking at me with the most deranged looks on their faces.

I froze. "What? What is it? What are you fucking looking at?"

"Nobody did your face yet," Tavros said, holding up a brush. Kanaya and Equius both still had brushes, but Nepeta nabbed the latters and jumped me.

"Holy fuck get off of me, I don't want that shit anywhere near my fucking-"

"Hold still!" Nepeta said, pinning me down. Soon, Kanaya and Sollux, who both had brushes for one reason or another, were on me as well.

"Do your worst, you underhanded fucks!" I shouted, crossing my arms over my chest and laying there like a log.

In a few minutes it was over. They backed off, after taking turns brutally murdering my poor face, and when I looked in the mirror, I laughed.

Our party lasted for a few hours. Vriska took off her jacket and painted her own arms. Kanaya added a few touches to her own face makeup. Tavros decked out his four wheeled device. Feferi cornered Eridan and made him take off his sweater so she had a 'larger canvas.' Nepeta had fun with Equius's arms, doodling some cats and ships on there. Sollux made fun of everybody's face paint. Terezi's paint had to be redone multiple times because she kept licking it off. Aradia even redid it once.

I, with my 'facepaint' being large smears of gray and white, was wiped clean and done over by a few different people over the course of the party. I didn't mind. I didn't expect all twelve of us to be getting along, and it wasn't something I was about to complain about. Gamzee talked to everybody, though he steered clear of Vriska for some reason. I got the impression he was a bit scared of her.

Eventually, though, our group dispersed. Eridan was the first to go after Feferi almost made him take his pants off. Everybody else meandered away at random intervals. Some people just fell asleep right on the spot. After another hour, it was just Gamzee and I sitting around the table. He seemed extremely tired for some reason, and soon I felt his head on my shoulder as he dozed off.

I looked around, making sure nobody was around. Tavros was still there, out like a fucking light in his chair. Nepeta had been asleep on the table, but Equius had taken her to her quarters. Kanaya had done the same when Terezi had conked out.

Nobody was awake. I sighed and let him stay like that, if only for a few minutes. He started snoring. Tavros made a noise like he was going to wake up, but instead just moved around a bit.

I leaned back in the chair, careful not to disturb my sleeping friend. He draped his arm across my chest. For a moment I considered waking him up and moving him, but then decided there was no point. A few minutes later, I began to fall asleep myself.

As I moved a bit to get comfortable, Gamzee woke up.

"Hey friend," he said, words slurred from sleepiness. "sorry I fuckin' fell asleep on ya."

"Nah whatever, it's fine," I said. Gamzee murmured something and snuggled closer.

He was the one who started this party of ours, and if I'd been a different person I probably would have thanked him. It had been a long time since all twelve of us had gotten along and had a good time without worrying about things like new universes and the humans and Jack. It was good to just chill every once in a while and actually act our age.

"Have I ever told you that I fucking hate you?" I asked as he continued to snuggle.

"Every time we talk, bro."


End file.
